He uses pillows to masturbate.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
