she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
