I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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