my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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