I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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