I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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