never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
