Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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