Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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