She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
