Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
