I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
