you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
