I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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