So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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