Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
