I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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