if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
