if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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