saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
