I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
