my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
