yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
