My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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