Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
