Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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