Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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