Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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