remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
