I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize