i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
