Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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