you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am naked and annoyed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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