The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
