Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
