I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
