I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
this hospital has no fireball
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize