On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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