your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
