ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I FOUND THE LEGS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
