well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
