my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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