Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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