im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
