do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
time to smoke my breakfast
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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