Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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