so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
