final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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