Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
