Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
