Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
