I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How external is "for external use only"?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
