My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
