Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize