Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
