Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
