Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize