They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
