this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
