Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
