I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
whose parrot is this?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
