JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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