I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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