# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
