I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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