why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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