I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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