Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
