first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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