Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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