My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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