It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
