He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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