A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
