so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
