My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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