I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize