Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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