I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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